It was just one Sunday morning, Mother’s Day, to be exact when my emotions go over my head. When I felt useless and not needed anymore. When I felt like I was being intentionally hurt. When an assignment for me was taken over and it feels like a display of proving what they can do because they are the one leading. It was at that moment that I cried like no other. Tears flood from all over my eyes. The pains and hurts rolled all over me. I looked at the one holding the mic with so much pain and anger and hurts in my heart. How in the world will I be so much hurt with a man I once considered as my father. The truth is, it wasn’t the assignment being taken away that crushed me, it was a display of how intentionally it was done.
I stepped back, ran to the comfort room and slowly wipe back the tears that rolled over my eyes. I wish I had so much power to be invisible at that moment. Nevertheless, with all the tears are also a flow of peace which I cannot even understand. I managed to finished the second service but I knew I didn’t finish it to the end.
Thankfully, at the back seat was my smiling boyfriend who had been a great gift from God. He smiled like mama, (by the way he looks like my mama), I wish I was allowed to hug him, and there I cried again. We exited right away walking to a place we didn’t still know, myself covered with my big shade but that in a way did not erase the pains I just felt so overwhelming in my heart. There, I made a decision, the hardest ever, I AM GIVING UP.
Monday, I intentionally did not handle my Connect Group because saying bye isn’t good to people you begin to love. I managed to come to the office, opened my computer and wrote one of the hardest letters ever, my resignation letter that wanted to be effective on June 1, 2014. I cried and shouted for the thought of waving bye. It was a great determination of wanting a fresh start, forgetting the people that caused me pain, and facing the transition of endorsing what I’ve done for fourteen years. On the other hand, it was an exciting thought for the new HELLO. Hello to the world bound by sin. Hello to the people hurt and destroyed. Hello to the secular world of work and goals. Hello to the unknown.
I reported feeling so determined over the thought of leaving. I want out. I am lost. I am already hurt. I am UNPRODUCTIVE. It was a USELESS fourteen years. I thought of all the deadma. I imagined the shouting. I imagined the indifference. I imagined the letter with an OK sign at my table.
But to my surprise, nothing of what I imagined happened. There was no pointing fingers. There was no shouting. There was no indifference. I was confronted with the look of love.
The MOST SURPRISING, when he said “I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE HURTS THAT I CAUSED YOU.” I would like to be honest that I was not ready for that sorry, that I was taken aback when I heard it. I was not ready for the hug of restoration. I was more prepared of them saying, yeah, I was really not productive. I embraced that because it was the truth of that season.
I became a little bit speechless because I was more prepared of sharing how hurt I was and is. That SORRY melted my heart but it also impacted my life. I was given a week OFF. To think. To reconsider. To pray.
I am right now in the mix of emotions. I am glad for the restoration. I am uncertain of what is to come. I am a little bit scared.
Well, I still don’t know what will happen after two days left but with all these circumstances that has been happening, there is only one thing certain, HE HELD ME BY HIS GRACE.