It was an absolute resolve that I am going to run my life of course after hearing God, that I have to run my own race, to ignore the negative vibes but with the thought of “let’s see if you gossipers will not come around and talk to me and ask me of something.”
True indeed, something like that really happened and it was on one unexpected time. The color of my heart has been turning to black and blackest if there is a word as intense as it is. On the inside of me is the chaff and the residue of greed, not wanting to share because I always thought that I’ve work for it and you people are just staring your eyes waiting for guavas to fall, ignoring me when you have plenty and now, you have no choice and you are coming as if I’m your bank. Hey, didn’t you know that if I am a bank, your record says, “INSUFFICIENT BALANCE?” Well, those were the thoughts that tried to overtake me. I slept hugging my greed and wake up with the same selfishness. I could feel my flesh so determined to get in the way of me and to burst out my anger which were all rooted in GREED. But something on the inside of me says, “SEARCH YOUR HEART”. AS I search from the deepest depths, the greed’s head showed up like the head of a snake, it was so scary that I rebuked it all through out. The Holy Spirit was so gentle to remind me, that it is better to give than to receive. He pointed me back to my first cell group lesson that says, never give up in doing good (Galatians 6:9). That it is His goodness that leads to repentance. That He never keeps a record of my wrongs too. That He never withhold the good thing if I come and ask from Him. That all I have is from Him anyway and when I give it’s for me and not for them. Just make sure that you give it from your heart and not out of compulsion because God will bless a cheerful giver. That my blessings aren’t for me to keep but for me to be shared. It was the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit that straightens me out and points me to the truest condition of my heart. I was humbled but to be honest the Holy Spirit has to do so much work just to get into my heart. It was then that I begin to declare His Word and to allow His Word to settle in my heart so I will be able to walk and agree with it. Because if I am from the Father then one of the fruits that should be evident from me is my generosity. He does gave His only Son and so what is a small amount of money to share to those in need (knock knock).
The truth is, I was scolded and spanked when I was in grade 1 because of greed. I remember eating slowly and keeping some of the delicious fried chicken in my plate and my mother come and asked me a bit. Me, being the me centered looked at her and said,
“I saved this and you’re asking for it? Aren’t we have the same portion of fried chicken when we started our dinner? And so, you finished all yours and you still want more and you are asking me?” Whaaat????? And what about me?
Well, I didn’t come to eat all of it but I ate my father’s belt, the only spanked and the hardest spanked I’ve ever had. Promise. I was only spanked by my father once and once from my mama too but that was another story that has a lifetime effect, for my good of course.
By now, I know that the only way for a breakthrough to come forth is when the spirit of greed is broken and no more residues are left out. For how on earth can I be trusted with so much when as God checks my heart, it is still all about me and never mind them. I remember my Pastor preaching and mentions that the Gospel is not Me Centered but Others Centered. Jesus has to come down from heaven not display His awesome power although He could but He came down for others to be set free and saved.
If you are asking me if the spirit of greed has been broken, I’ll just say it is recognized by now and I am stepping to a new space of generosity. I am seeing it as spacious simply because the more you freely give, I opened myself to a much bigger space so I have a place to stock His blessings. Yes, I cannot out give God.
And I am forever thankful for the inner rewiring of the Holy Spirit in my heart.