Growing up being the eldest, I guess I carried so much weight of various burdens a child isn’t suppose to bear. Our mother died on my 10th birthday, my brother was eight, and we have two cute little sisters. On top of that, we were left with our drunkard father who stopped drinking when I was 28, glory to God. But, despite of their so much imperfections, our parents introduced us to Someone higher than ourselves. I’ve seen our mother hid in a corner praying with tears flowed all over her eyes. I’ve heard our father talked about God who is ever present to help and their same kind of faith kept me through.
I was viewed as the smartest then and probably the future hope of plucking my family out of poverty. That too was my ultimate dream, of taking my brother and sisters into my wings but I also had so much hate and bitterness planted and was growing to the man we all call papa. I’ve seen what my brother and sisters may have not seen and heard the nastiest that the eldest can only hear. I left home with so much love, compassion, and mercy for my siblings but with so much anger to a father. I remember praying that I only would like to help my brother and sisters but in my inner silent pains, I was so mean to them as well.
College was pretty tough but prayers carried me through. I finished it having James 1:12 memorized all through four years and His grace enabled me to finish Bachelor of Elementary Education. Yet, I was lost in religion, carried along through a subtle way un acceptance, promised to have a complete family in the name of God which I never had, trapped by power and a little fame, I slowly lost my reason to have finished college, I landed in an institution that makes me forget my loved ones. I became more mean. Totally judgmental. Restless. I looked totally religious and publicly pleasing but in all there was, I was fooling myself more than I fooled others.
My life was a mess and I was messy to be around with. I became distant to a family I desire to help because of too much guilt that I failed to help them and I was really not the smartest eldest they ever thought after all. I was scared to leave because I felt I could not handle the public’s opinion about me.
Yet, His plan has to be done. It was a painful discomfitting exit having peformed the most unprofessional thing ever of not to endorse and to simply be right away gone. On the flip side, it was the most peaceful decision I’ve made for myself regardless of how unethical that was on the onset. In all there was, prayer kept me through. I’ve seen the gentle hand of God carrying me from one end to another. In all the turmoil and even in the chaos that was happening in my family specifically my sisters, God kept all of us through together.
It was darkest in my professional side having felt wasted sixteen years helping others yet forsaking my very own blood. It was night time in our family having seen and heard what my sisters were going through, yet I can’t lift a finger to make my help tangible. It was dim in my career as I always find myself resigning in every job opportunity given for me. It was terrible in my personal life being jobless for 6 months, the longest ever, and the first time in my entire life to be supported. Yet, in all there was, I was strengthened on the inside. It may look like an outright darkness but I was feeling the light inside that is just about to come forth.
In those darkness, I discovered my post. That I don’t necessarily be in the limelight to make a difference, but I can be in the simplicity of my room and pray. That I don’t have to carry everyone’s burden because I can always give it to Him who will in turn shed me answers. That I don’t necessarily have a position attached to my name to be respected and to matter. That my past won’t define and the future is still bright right in front of me.
As I look back on last years pages, I can always see God’s light of love, faithfulness, provision, protection, peace, and His amazing grace. I’ve seen my prayer journal with so much answers. There was really no effort on my part having almost lost my zest for life except in simply sitting in His presence and trusting that He is working behind the scene for me.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that to face life, I just have to rest in Jesus as my post forever and to intercede for others until they too can shout like I do, Jesus is faithful in every circumstance after all.
My 2015 prayer journal which records His faithfulness.
My 2016 front page of my prayer journal.
How my prayer journal looks like.
And this is my cover for my prayer journal.
My friends, if you are walking through the tunnel, don’t stop, simply talk to Jesus and keep walking until you eventually see the light. Know that Jesus loves you and no one can stop Him in fulfilling His dreams and purposes for you.
Stay in your post.
Jesus Loves You🌻