I grew up insecure and I could trace that back to a dysfunctional home growing up. I saw a crying and a meek mama who thought she’s a victim and never knew how to fight back but cried in the corner instead. I deposited all the strangers and relatives nasty talks about her and hoping that one day, I could get back to all these people and confront them of how devious they had been. On the other hand, I hated my father too much for how he physically abused mama, how he ever failed to provide for us, how he physically hurt me, how he looked me in disappointment, how ugly I always was to him, how mean I always was, and how poor I will always be. I grew up resisting those awful words and always use the quotations my grandfather always told me that poverty is not a hindrance to success. But while I had one quotation as my sword, I also had thousands of anger, hatred, bitterness, pain, unforgiveness, and others deposited on the inside of me. There’s only one love I have in my heart, and that’s my deep love for my brother and sisters. I love them so much and so deep beyond comprehension. I had it in my heart to help them but as always the pain spilled over out from my heart that it splashed over them too when were together. I was the happiest woman when me and my sisters and brother were one but my world turned upside down when one night I saw my father lying down in our small rented room. I could not believe that he found us. All of a sudden, I was reminded by all the junks that he told me. That I was ugly. That I was mean. That I will be a slave forever. That I was not his daughter. I thought I was healed but it was just covered up with my performance in church.
In church, I searched for fathers. So many Godly fathers were there but I thought my pastor loved me as his own daughter. I thought I found a papa finally in the church. I slowly flourished. He spoke good things about me. He told me that I was beautiful. That I was doing great in the ministry. He cheered me on everytime I performed and so I pushed myself so hard to forever pleased him. Then I was so tired. I could not maintain my performance. I was compared to my coworkers who performed well on the board. Then all the great words about me diminished. Words like barbaric reached to my mail. That I am not good enough. That I am moody. That there’s no finnesse in me. And so much more. The last one reached to my whole body when he told me to better leave. “If your not happy with what you’re doing. If your performance is forever low. Then leave.” I was so much disappointed to be disowned by someone I thought would stand up for me. I was crushed to be asked to leave by someone who lead the church of which I served for sixteen (16) years with all my heart and life. I was committed to that local body that I felt being married to an institution and now they don’t want me anymore. It felt like being totally divorced. It was the darkest moment in my life. The people whom I served with became distant and silent with me. The leadership defended themselves that I am ungrateful. I was demolished from the team plus unprotected from how they will forever defend themselves.
So I moved to a small church hoping to find healing (hahaha). I loved the Pastor’s wife. I began honoring the pastor. I worked in the call center. I brought my tithes and offerings. But all I heard was that I have to be in the G12. That I should be in the prayer meeting. I sensed that I am their new target to be a leader when I am not fully healed yet. They did not even dealt with me nor talk to me and my boyfriend over how I was then. That those who are late in church are not sincere in their love for God but I worked and is even very very tired. They followed me up but never once for my boyfriend. I was mad. Why do they followed me up but never followed up my boyfriend??? My walls grew taller and taller. I blocked them in my FB account and I was so enraged. All churches are users, I thought.
I went home super insecure. I felt useless all the more. I am not working. I can’t provide for my family. And for a long time, I stayed in my very hot room not wanting to see people. I can’t see my brother face to face because I’m afraid that he looked at me as foolish because I am a professional teacher and jobless. I can’t see my boyfriend in the eye because of shame that he provided for me when I’m not his responsibility yet. I can’t pray looking up because I’m scared that God too will disown me for being jobless, no ministry and so much more. I thought that to be loved, I have to perform.
One afternoon, I cried feeling so empty. I bawled like there’s no forever. The truth is, even if I felt too far away from God, I still read His Word. But this time, I cried out of the emptiness in my heart. I said God, I am so alone. What does it ever mean to have a father? I want to talk to a father but my father has nothing good to say at this point. How does it feel to live in this earth with a good father? And tears flowed like a river in my eyes that it could formed a lake and you can go swimming in it.
You see, my brother is the best father to his daughter. When his daughter was sick, her daughter was just watching tv so unafraid because she knew she has a papa and a mama who only has the best intention for her. His daughter was just basking in her parents love that there’s got to be no room for fear in her heart.
There in my room, the Holy Spirit led me to read John 1:12-13 in the Amplified. It says in John 1:12-13 But to as many as did receive and welcome Him, He gave the authority (power, privilege, right) to become the children of God, that is, to those who believe in (adhere to, trust in, and rely on) His name– Who owe their birth neither to bloods nor to the will of the flesh [that of physical impulse] nor to the will of man [that of a natural father], but to God. [They are born of God!]
That verses revolutionized my heart. It’s like Jesus is saying, Metchili, I am God’s Firstborn and Only Son and because you relied on me, trusted in me, believed in me, surrendered to me then I authorized you to call my Papa your Papa. That makes me (Jesus) your Big Brother, your kuya, your Savior. You are now in the Family of God. You are adopted in the Royal Family. You have the Holy Spirit as your seal. You have everything that the Royal Family has. I never seen that ever. The Holy Spirit revealed that to me. What a big relief that I am not the firstborn anymore or the eldest. The pressure is on Jesus not on me (wohooo). Thank You Jesus. My Hero. My Best Kuya. Forever.
Then tears flowed all over my face again. This time, it’s not tears of sorrow but an overwhelming joy that Yes, I have a Papa. The One who created the heaven and the earth. The one who flung the stars in place. People call Him God but to me God is My Papa. Jesus authorized me to call His Papa my Papa. Wow. What a revelation. What a new family. For a long time, I acted as a slave when Royalty is flowing in my blood. I am born of God. I am chosen. I am loved. I am healed. I am amply supplied. I have the Best Big Brother in the name of Jesus Christ. My Savior. My Hero. My Example. My Greatest Love. I have the Holy Spirit as my Counselor. My Teacher. My Intercessor. My Standby. My Advocate.
What a full life I’ve got in Jesus. Then suddenly the webs of fears fell off. Layers of insecurity has slowly been broken. My eyes sparkled again. I am Loved because of Jesus Christ. He did not just love me because I go to church. He did not just love me because I memorized verses. He did not just love me because I conducted a Bible Study. He loved me because I trusted in Jesus and I am now His daughter. I am His responsibility.
Now, when I looked at my father, I see him in the eyes of Jesus. That God’s desire is to let him experience His love so he too will know how to father us. He is not there yet but I am so sure that God loves him in the same way that He loves me. The other day, he wanted his cyst to be removed when he heard that from the radio. I was irritated on the inside and so I said, Jesus, let me do it in Your love for him then His love flowed on the inside of me amd I went to the hospital to inquire with joy in my heart.
When I remember the Senior Pastors whom I worked and served for a while, Jesus love flowed over me. This time, I could pray out of Jesus love for them. That Papa God loves them. That Papa God delights in seeing them following Papa God’s call. They too are growing in the Lord like I do and there’s God’s grace to cover us all in our insufficiency.
Maybe some of you are in that empty place. Maybe some of you are longing for love. You tried it in performing but you are still empty. You tried coming to church but felt so inadequate to even receive His love. You tried doing things for God and be people’s hero but you go home feeling at a loss of strength and it’s like it’s not enough. You tried men or women but no one really measures up. You do good works but it feels like its not good enough. You tried to organize your life to literally make it perfect but you become frustrated with yourself. You tried gadgets, wealth, money, power and other material things but there’s nothing that could fill the empty place. You tried fame but people’s applause are just vanity to you.
Nothing and no one could ever fill that empty place other than the Lord Jesus Christ. He said, if you trust Me, believe in Me, adhere to Me, then I give you the right to become children of God. The only way to be a part in God’s Family is to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. That He is The Son Of God. That He was born of a Virgin. That He died for all our Sins. That He rose from the dead after three days. That’s our Savior. Our Hero. Our Way to the Father. The Lord Jesus Christ.
Just say this prayer with me:
Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that You are the Son of God. That You are Born of a Virgin because of the Holy Spirit. That You died for all my sins. That You rose from the dead on the third day. I repent from the way I govern myself. I surrender into Your Kingship. I want You to be the Lord of my life. In Jesus name. Amen.
If you pray that prayer from your heart then you are now my spiritual sister and brother. You are now in the Family of God. God is now our Papa. The Holy Spirit is Our Helper. We have the ruling of the King in His Word called the Bible. And Jesus Christ is Our Savior, Our Big Older Brother.
Start reading the Bible. Get connected to people who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ. And start praying by addressing God as Father.
I pray that you will be filled in the fullness of our Greatest Love the Lord Jesus Christ and may you experience the Fatherhood of God and the sweetness of the Holy Spirit’s Presence.
Jesus Loves You🌻